Differences are to be expected, accepted, even embraced, but they sometimes spill over into a realm of discomfort, challenge, obstacle, and even harm—the world of conflict.
Stephen W. Littlejohn and Kathy Domenici
Introduction and focus of the essay
The complex field of conflict negotiation is one that has been largely avoided by the property professional – until now. Globally, the measurable benefits of this modern skill is being applied, with tailor-made design tweaks, to elevate property professionals to new levels of skill and competency. We look at a few of these benefits, and how they can be made a part of your career.
Conflict? What conflict?
The reader may quite reasonably accept that her professional life as a property practitioner does not involve much conflict, that she avoids conflict in the rare instances that it arises, or that she will simply compromise where necessary. No further time needs to be spent on conflict competency. This is a remarkably popular (often unexamined) view in the property industry. It is an arena known for its deal-making, its negotiation, its willing seller – willing buyer approach to commerce. It is also a remarkably harmful approach to your career in this industry, as we will see.
The problem starts with a very limited view of what conflict is. Conflict is not just war or loud arguments in a boardroom, it is any clash of interest, any diverging goal between two or more people. We are in conflict with others, or with ourselves, when we can be closing more deals than what we are doing, we are in conflict with others when we underperform in our negotiations, because what other than high level commercial conflict is a negotiation? We are in conflict with others when they are unreasonable in their demands and then expect us to accommodate them, we are in conflict if our sales are delayed, when the payment of our commissions are postponed, we are in conflict with others when we do not get offered the mandates that we are perfectly matched for.
Conflict, above all else, is the golden thread that runs through human engagement, through business, through sales. The problem is exacerbated when we do not realise that, in having this limited view of what conflict entails in our careers, we lock ourselves out of having access to some of conflict management’s wonderful modern strategies and tools. We continue with our careers, compromising away what is really ours, forever underpowered and unaware of our true potential, and what we can manage to achieve for our clients. Our improvement, our upgraded conflict competency, our best shot at reaching our true potential, starts with this simple realization: my career is all about conflict, and I can be so much better at it if I teach myself a higher level of conflict skills.
Conflict Strategies
Modern conflict management (which includes conflict resolution and transformation) is a highly complex field, involving a multi-disciplinary body of work and practice, but which we can all study and apply to the extent that we have time and dedication for. We look at a few entry-level conflict strategies, specifically designed for the property industry that will make us measurably better at our professional conflicts.
1. Train yourself, train your teams
As we have seen, we find conflict in most transactions and engagements in the property industry. Consider improving your conflict competency to a significant degree, and measuring the difference in your results. An efficient level of conflict skills are completely transferable, and can be designed, implemented, trained, monitored and extended internally, either for selected individuals, teams or just yourself. Training can be done through self-help, but like all professional skills this can be very risky, and a once-off training system attended to by a recognized professional should be your aim, which can then be upgraded and renewed on an annual, or biennial, basis. This can be done during office hours, via distance learning systems, through workshops and so on, whatever suits the selected individuals.
2. The art of persuasion
Modern conflict management has very little to do with being kind and polite. It is the ultimate art of persuasion, the scientifically-proven best ways to convince people, it is about achieving your conflict goals in the best way available – everything that the property professional sets out to do in any event. It teaches you, in very real and very practical ways, how to deal with difficult people, how to use anger, emotion, reluctance, confusion and a range of negative interactions as fuel to get what you, and your client, wants from the transaction. No need to avoid conflict or put together rushed deals when you have the confidence of conflict competence.
3. Learn to achieve alternatives to compromise solutions
As we briefly indicated earlier, the compromise deal is a popular one. It gets us some sort of deal, it concludes the sale, it looks good on the stats form – and it often leaves a lot of value on the table. Conflict case studies also show us the subtle but very real ways in which this type of transaction leads to subtle, often unspoken resentment and the harm this does to business relationships. Once you know how to spot these temptations, and what constructive and more beneficial alternatives are available to you, you will never be conflict avoidant or a compromiser again.
4. New levels of information
In every property transaction parties choose, or for some reason fail, to disclose sensitive and important information to the other side, or even their own representatives. This can harm several aspects of negotiation and achieving the best results. Becoming conflict competent will give you access to a range of additional sources of information, such as the skilled (and ethical) use of nonverbal communication, neuroscience, micro-sociology and a continuous range of conflict case studies to give you a measurable edge in your negotiations and interactions. The information, and its improved results, are available, what reason could justify not making full use of this benefit?
5. Turning conflict into gold
Being conflict avoidant (for a variety of reasons) or simply lacking an advanced level of conflict skills, often cause property practitioners to shut down further discussions and negotiations. Signs of anger, irritation or disapproval in others change our responses, our ability to gather important information and the way in which we assess our options. Internalizing an elite level of conflict skill changes our working world quite literally. We learn to work with that anger, irritation and other seemingly engagement-ending reactions, we learn the alchemy necessary to not just passively manage our professional conflicts, but to turn them into profitable energies and opportunities.
6. Steer your negotiations
With your new conflict skills you will use the currents and storms of a property transaction to guide the parties to achieve their best outcomes. You will learn the concepts and practices of conflict escalation and de-escalation, of differentiation (uncovering previously unavailable information), the benefits of sequence and timing, and a long list of other very specific techniques. You will work with complexity theory, and learn to not just read and anticipate chaos, but to be comfortable with it, and to profit from it.
7. Expand your negotiation skills
Many property practitioners have some exposure to formal negotiation skills, acquired either through self-study, books or workshop or two. These are all highly commendable approaches, but notice that conflict negotiation takes the skills that we find in standard commercial negotiation practice, and builds on it. The multi-disciplinary input from psychology, neurobiology, sociology and many others flow together in the art of modern conflict negotiation, offering you access to the elite level of these skills.
8. Learn to work with causes, not symptoms
Why does the seller not want to accept a reasonable offer? Why have negotiations apparently become stuck in a rut? What must I do to convince this person? We get stuck in endless conflict patterns, without any purpose or benefit, all because we start working and pushing against symptoms, either not noticing or correctly dealing with conflict causes. An unreasonable stance in negotiations, an unexpected change of mind or instructions, intense and seemingly irrational dislike around the negotiating table – these are often symptoms of a conflict that we need to understand on a different level before we can successfully deal with it.
9. Start working with the power of identity conflicts
Identity, or value conflicts (not the same as identity politics), are the essence of most of our human engagements, and with the sale or purchase of a property, developing a complex or business empire, these deep-seated emotions drive our decisions far more powerfully than most people understand. Learning to master these aspects of commercial conflicts gives you access to the real reasons behind people’s decisions, fears and dreams, and you can effectively help them navigate those deep waters. Your work here will show you, through scientific evidence, how so many of the persuasive techniques we intuitively regard as the best option (objective facts, sales figures, rational evidence) not only fail to persuade people, but actually drive them away from the position that you are trying to sell to them. To understand and be able to effectively work with these concepts you need to become skilled in identity conflicts.
10. Start using the value of emotions
Conventional wisdom (and quite a few outdated textbooks and consultants) warn us against the use of emotion in negotiation and professional sales. This is often correct, up to a limited point. Once you become comfortable with conflict negotiation, you will not only be able to work with human emotion, but use it to gather important information, guide people to their best interests, and use that emotion to achieve your best results. Anger, spite, fear, hate, doubt ….all become fuel for success and resolution.
Assessment and conclusion
Conflict competence is not always an easy skill to acquire, and it takes a level of work and dedication. So it is with all worthwhile skills. This is an investment of a few hours that you make in yourself, your clients, your firm that will have a measurable impact on your professional skills and outcomes, and it will be with you for the rest of your life, easily transferable to other professional settings or even your personal life. An elite level of conflict competency changes your world, and it is becoming an automatic choice of advanced learning globally. Spend a few hours and make this wonderful skill a part of your career.
Summary of main sources, references and suggested reading
1. Dangerous Magic: essays on conflict resolution in South Africa, by Andre Vlok, Paradigm Media (2022), especially Chapter 4, dealing with identity and value conflicts
2. Relevant articles for your general consideration and their source material can be found at www.conflict-conversations.co.za
(Andre Vlok can be contacted on andre@conflict1.co.za for any further information.) (c) Andre Vlok
March 2025